Just got back into E-ville tonight, though I didn't really want to leave the house agian. The boys all just went to bed and I have the returned urge to have a good strong drink but aI don't remember that urge leaving me since Christmas. I'm thinking that I may need to find a new game to play, just about anything that can keep me from getting to bored. I'm finding it more and more difficult to remove the depression and when it gets to hard to fight I may find myself turning back to drugs agian which is never a good idea. I'm already touching on dangerous territory with the alcohol.
There is wrestling on T.V. right now but I just can't get into it. I always just flash back on the fact that it is not real and noone ever actually hits the other person and I suddenly lose interest agian. There isn't musch of interest on most nights anyway. I'm listening to the boys as they argue in the bedroom and I really should go make them go to sleep but they'll stop in a few minutes.
I keep thinking about all the things I miss doing from when I was little. I didn't have the best of childhoods and I try not to remember large parts of that time but there are still things I miss. I miss sitting in the camper and playing cards with Joe while my older brother looked at magazines or whatever. I miss sitting in the house on cold days like this and playing stuff like royal court and whatever else. I really miss the summers though. I love swimming and camping and fishing and the stupid games we used to play that even the kids who grew up down the highway couldn't really understand. I know now that a lot of the games that we played and things that we did are considered to be very unhealthy for kids but I miss them still. Some of the things that we played would be considered dangerous or even thought of as training for a miniature militia. Even with the knowledge of the things that I've learned now and knowing that the reason I have so much trouble with people is partially due to my upbringing I just cannot bring myself to regret anything.
I love the things that I grew up doing, I miss the games, the days spent in the creek or river and the nights under stars and around fires. I miss spending my days with a bunch of other gun nuts and working on cars or making random little clubs all over the place. I feel a little better now that I put a little of what has been driving me into deeper depression for the past few weeks. I still can't decide if I love thinking of the times when I got Christmas presents that actually were something I wanted and coming home to find that my Grandpa and my Daddy loved me and wanted to make sure I was ok even if they ignored the fact that I really wasn't. I think what I really miss is that back then I was able to do all the things I really loved and didn't have to worry about whether or not I would still be able to claim at least a few people as my family.
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