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I haven't posted on here in quite a while and I don't think I should have ever stopped. Since August I have started taking care of Mateo and Dalton agian which I love but I can feel myself slipping in to old bad habits. I have been feeling extremely unmotivated lately and I feel like I am doing so much worse then I was even the first time I lived here for so long. On top of that I feel as if I am losing everyone I love. I had felt like I was getting a really good relationship with my chosen sisters and my niece and nephew but now I cannot afford to go see anyone and am starting to feel lost. I am trying to avoid some of it by focusing on other things. I keep trying to focus on getting Vanessa feeling better and the boys doing more with her. I feel bad for her sometimes because there are times when she is actually trying to spend time with them and they ignore her and spend time with me. I live upstairs with them and I am the one who does most things with them so I understand why they come to me and don't go to her.
Two days ago was the nine year memorial of Cody's death. I don't talk about him very much because I honestly cannot so much as think of him without breaking down in tears. His old classmates, my brother Billy included, hosted a memorial in honor of what would have been Cody's senior year of high school. Cody was everyone's best friend, he was the light of our lives when he was alive because of his infectious personality and wonderful attitude. He died three days before 9/11 which is why I don't remember much about that tragedy, I was still lost in a personal tragedy that I can't deal with even now. Cody lived on the creek, he was a Kimbrel boy, and as such he never really thought about going down on to the dock without someone else because none of us did. While he was down there a branch broke from one of the trees and fell striking him in the back of the head. He was dead before he hit the water. I remember most that Grandpa had called my parents at my step-grandma's house to see if he had gone with us because they could not find him. Earlier that day I had been playing with Cocoa while I ignored the friend I had come out to the creek over night, I had popped his neck for him and given him a big hug when we left. I was told that when everyone noticed the branch on the dock Danny went down and started fishing around with a net to make sure he wasn't in there and brought up his arm. I cannot understand how someone could survive pulling there dead baby out of the water and carrying him up the bank but that is what he did. I have so much trouble talking about it and at the memorial I could barely stand there and listen to the people talking about the memories they had of Cody and reading the poetry that they had written about him. I feel selfish for that but I also can't help it sometimes when I have these problems. When I got home from the memorial and got the boys to bed I did something I have been trying not to do for a long time. I got a bottle of soda and then took five shots of straight Captian followed by three big glasses of Captian and coke. I feel very guilty for doing it because I really am trying not to get back in the habit of drowning my problems but I also couldn't really stop myself at the time. My last glass is the one I took my zoloft and sleeping pills with so I also had a hard time waking up the next morning but I don't think the boys realized why I was so late to wake up.
I plan to try and go for a long walk by myself tomorrow to work somethings out in my head but I am getting scared right now. I feel like a failure and am feeling really lonely right now and it is really getting to me. I'm not sure how I am going to get out of this slump but I know that I have to for the boys sake as well as my own. They don't deserve to have to lose both the people that care for them right now.