Today, This week, and Coming up

I haven't gotten on in a while which for me is both normal and not. Today I have the desire to blog though and that is something that I will take advantage of. I didn't wake up until 4:30 this evening, which is unheard of for me. Surprisingly I don't feel bad though. Usually if I oversleep I will wake up with a headache and be cranky and out of whack all day. I have a very regular sleep schedule and it's not something that I mess with often. I usually go to be around 2 a.m. and get up between 9 and 11 that morning. I can stay up all day like that and I don't have as many problems with lack of energy. Yesterday I don't know what time I finally fell asleep when me and Jenny were talking but I know it couldn't have been that late and I defintely should have woke up before 4.

This week has been very hectic for me though so that may have had something to do with today. I have been without a vehicle for a week now so I'm going a little nuts between trying to get my truck fixed and trying to get back and forth to work. It doesn't work well for me when I have to use others for things I am a little too independent for that. Usually it is me who helps everyone else not the other way around and I really do not like the role reversal. On top of that this was the week of my little sister's birthday, I still have a job that I absolutely despise and my doctor is changing around my birth control because the one he put me on was messing with me really bad.

On the happier side of things, I have made the decision to get a new used car that will be better on gas, I am saving up for an apartment, I feel a bit better mentally and I am looking for a new job which will hopefully help with getting me away from this place. I also went out and got my first tattoo which I am in love with, I am having wonderful conversations with one of my chosen sisters and I am slowly getting a better relationship with my brother and his wife so that I can spend more time with my niece and nephews. I feel a little better every day. I am still lonely, but that will likely never go away because to put it simply I'm a lonely person. I am looking toward the future more and more and thanks to Jenny I am learning more each day and starting to make some actual plans.

Jenny has started buying books and looking towards the best ways to begin homesteading which is something that we both want to do. I am learning more and more thanks to her and her help. We are both purchasing books on homesteading and following blogs and such on the subject. I really want to be able to start a vegetable garden this year but it doesn't look like I will be able to do a proper one. I started a small one at my grandma's but it will not do very well because it was something that me and the boys did on a spur of the moment choice. I'm also helping with one at Vanessa's but it is not really mine and that is what I want right now, something that I can point to and say I grew that. I won't be able to buy any livestock this year either. My grandpa had said a while back that I could get some when he did to raise and so on but he has decided not to do that this year. He purchased a pet pig instead but that is not what I want I want to raise a pig or two for slaughter not to pet and play with.

I will be able to do that kind of thing in the future so instead I am going to work on some of my other goals. One of these which is very important to me is to get my name changed. I have never been particularly happy with my given name, which is why I have always tried to go by something other than it. In grade school my friend's called me Little Eagle, and in high school I was Kitty which has carried over in to my adult life. I have decided that as much as I love that nickname I want my given name to be something that I am proud to introduce myself as. As such I am now attempting to gather information on how to get my name legally changed in the state of Illinois. Which sadly enough appears to be impossible. According to all the information I have gathered on the internet the only way that you can get a name change in my state is through the use of a name you have already had or if you get married and both of those are only last names. The next step for me will be to go to the court house and consult a clerk to verify the information I haqve already. In the meantime I am looking up information on how to get a name change in Missouri because I plan to eventually move there anyway and if I can I will just get my name changed later in life when I move.

Things are both looking up and yet still have not changed at all. I still don't get along with most of my family members, and am hiding large parts of who I am from the rest. I still keep trying to stretch my money and time too thin with my need to be involved with my family. I am still working a minimum wage job that I hate and will get me nowhere in life and at the end of it all I just keep looking toward the future and all the things that I hope to do eventaully and the things that I can do right now. I believe that the more I get to express myself on the outside the better I feel on the inside so in my opinion I am actually doing quite well as long as I keep working toward being true to myself.